I broke up with my best friend yesterday and less than nine hours later, went off and tried to forget about it a way that makes me question my own morals. I broke up with Him because I love him. I put him above so many others in my life because of how amazing he is. He’s smart, funny, talented, charismatic, and loyal. I hurt him. And I hate myself. I love him so much it isn’t funny, but being with him, and seeing the relationships with other guy friends in my life just made me miss what we had as friends. No one will ever compare to how important he is to me. No one. I can’t function without him. He listens. He cares. He loves me. But what I also saw was that that, he deserves so much better than me. So much more than I would be for him. He needs someone who wants what he wants. A long term relationship, marriage, a house, kids, and that whole 1950’s family dynamic life style. I have commitment issues, don’t believe in marriage, won’t have kids, and I don’t even want to commit to buying a house in the future. He wants stability. And I am unstable in all definitions of the word. He is my stability, and I’ve hurt him so bad that he won’t even talk to me. I miss him, and I’m heart broken. And I just want my friend back. I just want to beat the crap out of each other, have life talks, and hate on CatPiss even though he is totally irrelevant to our lives at this point. I ended it because I love him. How psychotic, cliche, and ironic is that?
I’m Getting bad again out of nowhere and I don’t understand it. I feel like I’m going to vomit. I didn’t even want to wake up today. I don’t know what’s wrong and this sucks. I hate being this kind of sick. Its my head. Its fucked up, and there is no cure. I just want it to go away. I just want to be happy.
Please don’t be nice to me when I’ve only invited you here to hurt you.